tired..

thr he goes slping and me crying softly, tears dripping, how can it be so bad..i noe im really sorry for him, for keeping him waiting, but the way when he get agitated over me for staying in sg to work, i really dunno wat shd i do..im juz so tired of him being like this to me, ppl patience's, thr is a limit for it..i really dunno wht i can ctrl my patience at all, im very tired over it..ldr, these r all the problems tat cropped up..sumtimes he could be happy when he tok to me, and sumtimes when he thought abt me working in sg, he start to change his mood..i really dunno how to handle ppl mood swing..im juz very tired

worthless..

yes all alone, i really dunno wat status am i wherever i go, wat status im when i start work, wat status am i even at hme..im juz sick of staying at hme, im so bored..the only thing tat my status at hme perhaps is to be a driver, to look aft the maid, to help out with random stuff, im not trying to complain, but juz cuz i dun go out, do i even haf to do all these..and plus im being accused for causing the baby to cry last nite juz cuz the maid told my mum tat i scold the bb to drink milk, but i din even do tat, y am i fucking haf to be accused for this..is only a small matter, but i juz hate the feeling of being scolded as though im the fierce person who always scold the bb..my mum came and confront me and ask me not to do tat, fucking shit, since when did i ever do tat..ok since she treated me as the so called "bad" person, i no longer haf to bother so much alr..im being the gd person and kind person, help every1 to pick up the bb, and im being treated as the bad person..y am i fucking being accused for things i nv do at all, y muz i being treated like this..y am i always the bad person..y? i really dun understand, in their heart, is my status tat bad..i really no longer feel like even staying at hme, i hate to tok to every1 at hme, they r the 1s who r always stopping me frm this and tat, even my future, they also want to bother, if they meant me well, y muz they still bother wat i do nx time, im already old enough to plan for my own future, y muz they step in at all..y cant i even pursue my future..i understand they spend alot of money on studies and im grateful for everything they provide, perhaps im too independent, prefer to be alone, im juz sick of them interfering into my life..im not trying to be a petty person, but think abt how much i help them, and nw i deserve a accusation frm them..im a human being, with feelings, im juz sad, tired and frustrated with life..cuz they nv noe how tired im, the searching of job itself is already giving me problems, the fact of going for interview is already giving me problems, r they going to add on to my problems, and r they going to let me think alot, r they going to forever not cure my heartbeating..i really dun understand..juz dunwan to even interfere in their plans at all, i lead my own life and they life their own life..i support and provide myself with encouragement, is fine with me, decisions always lies in me..

the missing feelings..

realising tat i miss u dearest alot..everyday the kind of missing feelings, even if 1 day i ever started any jobs, i believe my life will always haf the missing feelings in my heart..feelings for u wun change, hopefully u'll understand tat..and i hope to always receive your support for me, when im facing any problems, i hope u'll always stand by my side and tell me, dear, take it easy, life is full of challenges, u surely can overcome..i noe u'll always be thr for me and i pray tat u'll be patient enough to wait for me..both of us will work hard in the meantime and we can see sweetness soon..and of cuz not to forget cheryl, miss u lots, havent seen u for a mth plus alr and usually only haf short toks with u..anyway dun worry, u r not forgotten..frends and lovers are not to be forgotten, both of u will always be in my heart, miss u dearest and my best frend..

status?

im so irritated, y am i not given the chance to even step out my 1st stone..i hate life..i hate the obstacles tat r stopping me frm everything, y muz i face it..cuz wherever i go, im juz simply new to everything..im juz a foreigner who doesnt haf any pr status, tat's y i noe tat no matter whr u intend to stay on for the rest of your life, pr is impt..if i haf pr, i wouldnt even haf to worry abt getting any jobs..and my passport pages r going to finish soon..is this sort of my bad luck for this yr..im juz sick and tired..irritated..

october..

is already october..realising tat i havent been updating my blog recently, simply bz searching for jobs every single moment i haf..time is running fast, is coming to the end of the yr soon..i noe im simply going crazy, getting impatient, getting frustrated..support-no more support, i rely on myself..watever decisions i make, i juz simply decide on myself..yeah decisions always lie on my hands, watever i make, i cannot regret, cuz this is the route i haf make, nobody can be blame..want to blame, everything will be my fault..watever i haf done wrong, i can juz apologise, to me, apologise is already nth, i can gif up all my pride, i can say sorry all the time to frends, to ppl who r close to me, to my parents, to whoever..im no longer strong anymore, no longer positive, i dun nd ppl to console me, cuz im sick of the same sentences ppl who trying to provide advice to me..tears r common to me, crying every nite, in order to slp, worried, heartpain, watever, i juz cried..cuz im juz an emotional person..im going into the crazy world, i make sure tat i will accept any jobs that come along, money of cuz in this world everybody needed, i make sure i earn alot..no matter how tough the route i haf chosen, i will bear with it till the end, i will earn alot, i will provide watever i owe, i will provide a gd life, i will provide everything..i will make sure i make myself work very very hard, nv think abt anything, i will make sure my life revolve with more money, with everything tat i can provide..im already crazy enough, i dun even noe wat am i thinking, but since this is wat i chose, i will move on to the end..i will support and encourage myself, i really dunno wat am i doing..i really dunno..