straining..

y do i feel so scare to look at or even call my dad..usually when he comes home, i try to hide myself, juz refuse to see him..wat is wrong with me..he is the 1 who pay for all my sch fees and here i am not toking to him..but anyway my r/ns with him has always been straining since when i am young..but anyway this is my own life nw, perhaps nw im living in my own world..well i believe if a person has money with them, they wouldnt be afraid of anything..this is my mentality for nw..and lastly, i miss him, these 3 words will always appear in my blog..

stepping stone??when??

everyday seems a routine for me, wake up, stare at the computer, as usual, the same 3 pages will be displayed..my dearest jobsdb, job street and job central..newspapers, i needed it badly, so dearest cheryl, pls take note ya, leave it for me..job hunting is the worst of all, and once i am off this misery, i be starting my stepping stone soon..im so doubtful, looking forward to it but den at the same time, the devil is telling me to juz rot all the way..but anyway human beings haf to keep their brain functioning, so well, of cuz we nd to 1st study, den only work to survive for the future..and i realise that marriage is again back to my mind, lol, with no financial and i dare dare think abt all these..and gosh, this boy of mine is still young, he has a brighter future awaiting for him, so shall wait ya..and i shall pursue my career..izzit cuz as a person grow older, they tend not to haf any outside entertainment, but im 1 of them..refuse to pull myself out, hiding myself at hme, lol, hopefully wun bring myself to suffering frm depression..lucky thr is still him to tok to me..and i feel tat i din really get to really tok much with my best of frends, if thr's time indeed i will look for my bff..u noe i am referring to u..lol..

enough..

i haf enough searching for jobs, calling up companies, nevertheless, every company seems far for me..so sick and tired of looking for jobs or am i juz escaping from reality..couldnt face the fact that i am entering into the workforce..fear and scarriness, these 2 words r describing my feelings for nw..my mind is all abt doing nth, but well, ppl r difficult to satisfy..when they haf nth better to do, they start complaining, however, when it comes to work and study, they also complain..so is quite tough to describe wat does satisfaction exactly means..i only noe the word dissatisfaction which strongly describes abt my life for the present..im trying to be patient, but anxiousness juz overwhelm me too much..life is sucky at present, but i shall face it by myself..nv cause misery on other ppl, cuz every1 do haf their problems at times..and lastly i miss u these 3 words shall always be remembered to say to him..

i miss you..

i thought i am strong enough, however, nite starts to fall in..my mind is starting to wonder ard, thinking of the happy times when im over thr for holiday..wat will we be doing in the evening, remembering the favourite spot of drinking coffee with him..im starting to feel sad and emotional..he is lost,but, i noe im lost as well..but im juz pretending in front of him, pretend to be strong in front of him.. the whole day searching for jobs, nv rest at all..i feel so scared at times, the working life, how does it look like..seriously needed him by my side, but, i noe i cant be selfish..every1 has to pursue their own life, he shd pursue for his future studying..i haf been telling him to be strong, but wat abt me, am i really strong enough to carry on with myself..r we both simply too attached to each other, r we really still in the honeymoon period..but i only noe tat i cant bear to lose him..the thought of ldr for few yrs seems to be scary for me, wat'll i foreseen nx yr..im getting worried..y does my confidence level keep on falling, wat am i actually afraid of..yes indeed, afraid of losing him..perhaps everything'll be settled once he got his pr, he wouldnt be so depressed leading his life..at least he has a status in aus, sometimes i wish he could start applying nw, to noe wht he be qualify..i'll pray harder for him to stay strong, god will lead to the right path of his life..i pray to god tat he'll bless in our r/ns and at times to forgive and forget..im officially missing him, and tat's y i love tat song..the song is for him..usually i noe tat when im alone at hme, i'll be expecting him to come hme, but nw thr is no more expectation, but me all alone in d room, thinking alot..i feel like crying, and i noe i needed him alot..i really needed him..

holidays ended..

covocation has ended, and another 2 days i will be back in jb..though i haf been slacking for a mth plus, but time really passes so fast..i be facing reality soon, working hard enough to search for a suitable job..once i haf successfully gotten a job, i simply noe the journey of working life starts from tat day onwards..and to serve my 3 yrs bond, and i noe it is going to end very fast..everything will be sweet once my bond has ended, to c myself with a happy family, perhaps im too confident in my r/ns, though is too early to say, but i haf faith and trust..i will take care of my r/ns and nv let anything to happen during this 3 yrs..but for nw, im not thinking too much abt it, but im still worrying hunting for jobs..

decisions..

realising that the job market is getting bad in sg, not many jobs are posted on the website..getting worried and impatient..wondering wht im able to get any jobs at all in sg..if only i dun haf the bond in sg, i wouldnt haf to worry so much..i would rather stay in australia and get a higher salary..but to persuade my parents is not an easy job..dad wouldnt even allowed me to do tat..worries are simply never ending..will i even get a job when i get back to sg..will i be able to meet my deadline..im simply getting impatient for nw, frustrated with myself..but wat can i do..im stuck in nowhere..juz a cert, no financial stability, who am i going to rely on..not even my parents, im juz old enough to earn a single cent for myself..

life sucks..

life is juz so sucky when u juz haf to face so much problems in 1 shot..is not juz only the problems that belong to yourself but thr is also your partner's problem to face..everything juz come together when u r juz simply too lost to even find ways to help or consult the other party..sometimes im juz sick of facing this world, waking up everyday, alone, feeling so depressed when the day is such a beautiful day..god teaches us to thank him for the day that he has given me, im trying to make myself be happier each day, i wonder am i juz pretending to be happy at times..am i juz trying to escape everything, am i juz trying to push everything behind and not bother abt it, but in this world, am i even allowed to escape from realism..wat r the ways to make myself feel better, to drink more alcohol and feel better..or even to resort to other danger stuff..i hate to be alone, but i juz refuse to find any1 to tok to, wat am i even trying to do..wat can even satisfy me..im really lost to the max, how can i continue with myself, when i dun even haf any sense of direction..everyday feeling sad and tired..waking up every nw and then, wat is even wrong with my sleeping style..is life tat meaningless..im dun even bother tat i am jobless, but im juz not satisfy with myself..wat am i so gd at telling me wat they shd do, wat kind of route they shd pursue in the future, but y am i so bad at telling myself wat i shd even do nw..i misses all my closest ppl..i feel better when i c my mum, at least she is thr to help me when im really getting into any troubles..i miss my gd frend whom i can tok abt everything regardless family, r/ns, gossiping..i misses my partner even though as and when he is nw with me, juz needed him by my side..but i noe it's not possible for sometime..at times,im really sorry for not be by your side, for jumping into a r/ns with u..but when fate is here, nth can be stopped..i juz pray hard for everything to go smoothly, even though i noe it'll be tough..nth is easy in this world if u wan to achieve in life..