the no 9

the date 9th seems to be special to me this yr..i realise many things happen on the 9th..9th jan i went to perth and 9th feb i came back frm perth and 9th march i start my job..wat will happen again on the 9th..will it be a gd thing again..but for this yr i thank god for everything, for hearing my prayers everyday and every night..thank god for the blessings..

choices..

shd i choose to extend my stay in perth for couple of days, but den im getting sick and bored everyday, however, if i choose to go hme, he be all alone aft work..y do i always haf to think abt others feelings and tend to be soft-hearted when i think of the other party..that is the bad point of me, being soft-hearted and will gif in..but this time, im sure no matter if i stay for another few days, but den still i will need to go back and leave him behind again..is the same old thing again, somehow i really hate this kind of feeling..the feeling of leaving your loved ones behind and seeing him all alone with no family members behind..however im glad that he has his work to be getting him busy at all times, perhaps all he thinks is abt work since he has too much passion in it..

ended..

a brand new start of 2009, but it doesnt seems to turn out well for me..my working life span in the company has ended, and here i am stuck with full of emptiness..suddenly feel so lost, dun even noe what should i do now..finding jobs, yeah, but den the mistake that i have learnt from it makes me grow up to be stronger..the 1st mistake i have make 1) rush into the job that i know i dont like it, 2) gettting paid at a low income, 3) getting a work permit.. therefore i understand that for now, i need to sit down and slowly decide the kind of work i should be pursuing for, never waste the certification that i have study for.. marketing will be the next range of jobs i will be looking for, and i know that when you have passion for the job, you will work hard and stay longer..

alone..

when u needed some1 to tok to you, i just couldnt find 1 at all..is either busy doing stuff or haf this and tat..i rather not find any1 to tok at all..who would even understand me at all, i rather understand myself..problems r always faced by yourself, no1 can help at all..i really couldnt take it anymore, i wanted to explode sooner or ltr..who understands at all..Nobody..

sudden missing..

i suddenly miss timmy, how i wish he is now with me to face all my problems..i nd a hug frm him, i nd some1 to tok to me, however, he is working and i have to be all alone, thinking too much..dearest, missing u too much..

sudden rain..

suddenly rain in the nite at 9 plus, does this represent my feelings, crying out loud inside my heart..facing difficulties at work, hate this work to the core..just started work, however, a decision has been facing me, shd i ever gif up this job..shd i even start looking for a job..work permit, cuz im holding this, everything is so messy..facing lots of problems, feeling stress, no way to run away from reality..

work..

work doesnt seems to go smoothly for me..realising tat i dun seem to like my job at all, sales, tough job..when can i see figures,im getting worried everyday..it seems so tedious and stressful each day i go to work..i really dunno how long can i continue for this job..im dragging myself to work every day, im just so tired and panic..work does seem tougher than studying, nw i understand y many ppl say they prefer to study rather than work.. sumhow during the nites, i start to miss my rented apartment in perth, there use to be no stress but freedom..nobody to bother you at all, just me alone, freedom to do wat i want..at nite, at least, there is some1 to accompany me, however, nw back in jb, im all alone..mum always out, sis got her hubby and kid..however, im just all alone..go out also nowhere to go but rather stay at hme and rest..life, i really do not know the definition of it..dear, use to ask me what do i understand the meaning of life, but nevertheless, i know that i am speechless, i dont even know the answer..

obssessed..

i guess im nw getting so obssessed with Janice..her songs r super nice and sad..therefore, if you are in an emotional state, listen to her songs..plus she is pretty as well, no wonder my dearest is so obssessed with her..lol..i miss u always dearest..

life..

early morning wake up and here im in office..i nd a bed badly to haf a nice slp..thinking of the no of wks and just hope time passes by fast, at least for once, i needed to c him badly..i just pray hard tat thr will be sales coming in january at least, so that i can go off happily to enjoy my holidays in perth with him.. i misses perth alot, who dont want to settle down in a plc whr the life is so peaceful and relaxing..i also yearn for tat moment, but just facing too much obstacles..i dun even noe how to overcome everything, i only rmb sumthing, life is short, therefore we must live to the fullest..but im glad tat at least, he is thr to support me, to help me, at least thr is a guy who is really willing to do lots of things for me..thanks for everything, i can say so..

bored..

im just bored to the max..nth much to do in office, which makes my mind start to wander ard..din haf gd sleep recently, worrying too much..yeah perhaps is a gd thing tat my mum say i shdnt think so much, but just let it be..everything is just fated.. mum told me to take it easy, is true..i rather not do anything, but just let things run smoothly, wat is mine is meant to be mine..sometimes is juz nice hearing mum's advices, aft all, she has gone thru the period and i always believe my mum's judgement in everything..she's always accurate, lol, how i wish she can predict my future.. however, for nw, i just want to be happy, nv let other things overwhelm my mood, my happiness.. i love him, therefore, i believe everything will be alrite, i trust him and i dont want to give him so much things to worry abt me..he has his job to worry abt,he has his financial to worry abt, and i understand that a guy shd always plan their financial ahead of time in order to lead a better life in future..i saluate him alot, he always plan for the future..when young, start saving up money and in future, perhaps he will be leading a gd life..i believe, really everything muz start frm young and thus this will become a habit..this is something to admire, how i wish i can learn frm him, therefore, dear i muz haf some encouragement from you, that is start saving up money..

being sensitive

i juz need a break from everything..stress with work, stress with r/ns..y am i such a failure when handling with small issues..y am i so sensitive and thinking alot when he is out all day..i misses him way too much, just needed to c him online and at least accompanying me a while, without doing anything..however, my realisation for him was, when he's online, he's simply either busy browsing website or else not paying attention to me and just ans me a simple ya, yes..i feel tat sumtimes i just needed some1 who could at least gif me some response..im angry tat he doesnt manage his time well, he doesnt keep his promises, y r guys always like this..when say they be back by this time, they fail to keep it..sumtimes im just angry with myself, y muz i flare up with him at all, am i a really bad person..haiz..life really sucks to the max..

a quiet christmas eve nite..

today after work, the queue was long in the custom, waited patiently for the bus, took abt 2 hrs plus for me to reach hme..kinda tired..anyway it seems like a long weekend, as most ppl will be taking leave since it is the year end..din do anything during christmas eve, but stay hme and sat downstairs chatting with mum and playing with bb..toking to mum abt all my complaints and she sat thr listening to me as well as providing advices for me..sometimes i simply noe how to settle it, juz tat perhaps im indecisive, never want to regret in all my decisions..i just feel so confused, so messy, so tired, i juz want to stop thinking abt stuff tat really bothers me so much..

grateful..

pathetic christmas eve, got to work full day ..most companies r having half day leave, in fact, thr r also nth much to do in the office since is coming to the end of December..im so bored and is like christmas eve, no plans, but anyway, i will only wish to stay hme and rest during the holidays.. everyday rushing to work, it seems so hectic for me..everyday seems to be very tension when travelling to work, at work haf to think of the sales, whr shd i target or get the sales frm or to chase ppl etc.. thr r juz too much problems..yeah working doesnt seem to haf life, dun even want to go out aft work, rather stay at hme and make full use of the resting time.. sumtimes i feel tat i shd appreciate for wat my mum does for me, waking up early to send me to custom and pick my sis and i after work, however, sometimes i still show face to her..i feel guility abt it..and this morning, it was raining, she knew i din bring small umbrella, therefore, she search for an enevelop to let me cover my head, so that i wun get wet..but at least sumthing..she really take gd care of both of us, im grateful for wat she has done..im very touched, when meeting problems, she will be thr to at least listen and offer me advice..therefore, i always listen to all her advices, since she has been through alot..thanks mum..

life..

it has been a mth plus since i have been working, however, the stressful and tiring working lifestyle is kind of hard for me to adapt..everyday it seems to be a worry day, whether thr will be sales coming in, if there is enquiries i wouldnt feel tat scare..however, sumtimes when u enter the office, sumhow thr's no mails inside..and tat is when i nd to find the leads to continue on with competitive environment..no sales can be dangerous, anytime u'll be kick out of the working plc..sales job sumtimes could be the 1st step to enter the working environment, it teaches you how to be competitive and the capability to handle stress..if the next time, when i start another brand new job, i guess it'll be easier for me to adapt to it..life hasnt been gd, i feel tat, for my age, it seems tat my mum is still manipulating my life, telling me wat to do..come on, i'm already a grown up, and i realise tat im not listening to wat she says..i feel tat they r just selfish, this is my life, my own future.. i also discover tat, im getting suspicious and sensitive over my r/ns, perhaps it has got to do with my past r/ns..being cheated behind my back, therefore, since i haf alr gone thru the mistake, if ever, cheating happens again, thr's no more chance and begging..i always believe that if a person has the history of cheating behind their gf, even if a chance is given, they still will not change..ldr it is always the trust word tat's revolving in the r/ns..sumtimes im juz not confident with myself, if i c sum1 who's prettier than me, lol..i guess tis's every ger's mentality..

missing perth and only u..

it seems like a mth i havent even update my blog already..well, i haf started working already, as a sales person..i can say is not a very honoured job to mention abt at all..finally i understand the difficulty of those ppl working as a sales person.. everyday locating for ppl in order to boost the sales figure..the toughness and stressful job that sumtimes makes me dun even feel like going to work..but sumtimes when thr's sales u tend to feel so joyful abt it..looking at your own colleagues having such a high figure for their sales, i tend to envy them..sumtimes it seems like a dream to me, going to perth to study and den haf to come back to sg to work.. i simply miss perth alot, i miss the studying days, i miss the environment, i miss the weather, i miss my old place and of cuz i miss him the most.. though we quarrel alot sumtimes due to the ldr, however, is a blessing at times tat we'r able to make things work out..in a ldr, all you haf to do is to gif and take at times and always be patient..i realise that any 1 of us flare up, the other partner has to learn to be patient and calm, to make the r/ns move onto the right track.. realising tat my workplace r all married or already on the verge to get married, which oso makes me feel like getting marrying as well..lol, but yet im still young and well, no financial stability yet, still haf the urge to even think of getting married..but gers to a certain age will tend to feel like settling down.. but everything has to wait and c wht my r/ns is on the right path and if everything goes well between both of us..but of cuz if possible, i would of cuz want him to be the ideal 1 for me.. i simply miss him to the core, every single day..

tired..

thr he goes slping and me crying softly, tears dripping, how can it be so bad..i noe im really sorry for him, for keeping him waiting, but the way when he get agitated over me for staying in sg to work, i really dunno wat shd i do..im juz so tired of him being like this to me, ppl patience's, thr is a limit for it..i really dunno wht i can ctrl my patience at all, im very tired over it..ldr, these r all the problems tat cropped up..sumtimes he could be happy when he tok to me, and sumtimes when he thought abt me working in sg, he start to change his mood..i really dunno how to handle ppl mood swing..im juz very tired

worthless..

yes all alone, i really dunno wat status am i wherever i go, wat status im when i start work, wat status am i even at hme..im juz sick of staying at hme, im so bored..the only thing tat my status at hme perhaps is to be a driver, to look aft the maid, to help out with random stuff, im not trying to complain, but juz cuz i dun go out, do i even haf to do all these..and plus im being accused for causing the baby to cry last nite juz cuz the maid told my mum tat i scold the bb to drink milk, but i din even do tat, y am i fucking haf to be accused for this..is only a small matter, but i juz hate the feeling of being scolded as though im the fierce person who always scold the bb..my mum came and confront me and ask me not to do tat, fucking shit, since when did i ever do tat..ok since she treated me as the so called "bad" person, i no longer haf to bother so much alr..im being the gd person and kind person, help every1 to pick up the bb, and im being treated as the bad person..y am i fucking being accused for things i nv do at all, y muz i being treated like this..y am i always the bad person..y? i really dun understand, in their heart, is my status tat bad..i really no longer feel like even staying at hme, i hate to tok to every1 at hme, they r the 1s who r always stopping me frm this and tat, even my future, they also want to bother, if they meant me well, y muz they still bother wat i do nx time, im already old enough to plan for my own future, y muz they step in at all..y cant i even pursue my future..i understand they spend alot of money on studies and im grateful for everything they provide, perhaps im too independent, prefer to be alone, im juz sick of them interfering into my life..im not trying to be a petty person, but think abt how much i help them, and nw i deserve a accusation frm them..im a human being, with feelings, im juz sad, tired and frustrated with life..cuz they nv noe how tired im, the searching of job itself is already giving me problems, the fact of going for interview is already giving me problems, r they going to add on to my problems, and r they going to let me think alot, r they going to forever not cure my heartbeating..i really dun understand..juz dunwan to even interfere in their plans at all, i lead my own life and they life their own life..i support and provide myself with encouragement, is fine with me, decisions always lies in me..

the missing feelings..

realising tat i miss u dearest alot..everyday the kind of missing feelings, even if 1 day i ever started any jobs, i believe my life will always haf the missing feelings in my heart..feelings for u wun change, hopefully u'll understand tat..and i hope to always receive your support for me, when im facing any problems, i hope u'll always stand by my side and tell me, dear, take it easy, life is full of challenges, u surely can overcome..i noe u'll always be thr for me and i pray tat u'll be patient enough to wait for me..both of us will work hard in the meantime and we can see sweetness soon..and of cuz not to forget cheryl, miss u lots, havent seen u for a mth plus alr and usually only haf short toks with u..anyway dun worry, u r not forgotten..frends and lovers are not to be forgotten, both of u will always be in my heart, miss u dearest and my best frend..

status?

im so irritated, y am i not given the chance to even step out my 1st stone..i hate life..i hate the obstacles tat r stopping me frm everything, y muz i face it..cuz wherever i go, im juz simply new to everything..im juz a foreigner who doesnt haf any pr status, tat's y i noe tat no matter whr u intend to stay on for the rest of your life, pr is impt..if i haf pr, i wouldnt even haf to worry abt getting any jobs..and my passport pages r going to finish soon..is this sort of my bad luck for this yr..im juz sick and tired..irritated..

october..

is already october..realising tat i havent been updating my blog recently, simply bz searching for jobs every single moment i haf..time is running fast, is coming to the end of the yr soon..i noe im simply going crazy, getting impatient, getting frustrated..support-no more support, i rely on myself..watever decisions i make, i juz simply decide on myself..yeah decisions always lie on my hands, watever i make, i cannot regret, cuz this is the route i haf make, nobody can be blame..want to blame, everything will be my fault..watever i haf done wrong, i can juz apologise, to me, apologise is already nth, i can gif up all my pride, i can say sorry all the time to frends, to ppl who r close to me, to my parents, to whoever..im no longer strong anymore, no longer positive, i dun nd ppl to console me, cuz im sick of the same sentences ppl who trying to provide advice to me..tears r common to me, crying every nite, in order to slp, worried, heartpain, watever, i juz cried..cuz im juz an emotional person..im going into the crazy world, i make sure tat i will accept any jobs that come along, money of cuz in this world everybody needed, i make sure i earn alot..no matter how tough the route i haf chosen, i will bear with it till the end, i will earn alot, i will provide watever i owe, i will provide a gd life, i will provide everything..i will make sure i make myself work very very hard, nv think abt anything, i will make sure my life revolve with more money, with everything tat i can provide..im already crazy enough, i dun even noe wat am i thinking, but since this is wat i chose, i will move on to the end..i will support and encourage myself, i really dunno wat am i doing..i really dunno..